In Response to Your Concerns on Writerly Motivation
Dear Sir or Madam,
It has come to our attention that your Writer’s Motivation™ has been misplaced. We here at the Universe (along with its affiliates, subsidiaries, and partner companies), would like to apologize for any and all inconvenience this loss has caused you.
We regret to inform you that, given the number of complaints of this nature we receive, it is impossible for us to address each case of missing Writer’s Motivation™ personally. This is especially true during the month of November. Please accept these three gifts in the hope that they will help you find your Writer’s Motivation™:
- A “craptastic work” word voucher. This voucher can be redeemed for unconditional permission to write absolutely terrible work for up to 41,289 words over the course of the next three weeks. This work comes with a 100% dissatisfaction guarantee!
- An “I’m trying to get motivated” pass. This pass serves as a fool-proof excuse for caffeine addiction and poor dietary choices. Want an excuse to eat an entire chocolate cake? How about downing so much caffeine that you suddenly feel your heart pounding a rapid tempo on your ribs while your shakes get so bad you could be used as a paint-mixer? This pass will give you an excuse for all these poor decisions and many, many more.
- An all-expenses paid trip into your own imagination! See the sights of distant worlds, imagine alternate sartorial settings for that man or woman you saw at the coffee shop the other night, or simply envision terrible deaths for your coworkers and managers! All this and more awaits you within the depths of your own twisted mental landscape.
Again, we apologize for the inconvenience and sincerely hope that our gifts will help alleviate this challenging situation and assist you in retrieving your Writer’s Motivation™.
Best of luck,
The Universe (a limited liability company)